betwixt & between
“...and When I was low I looked under the stones to see what was creeping below me—and while I was there instead of a scare I saw pieces of parts that were missing...”
I remember clearly when this song started to form. There was a strong urgency that came out in the hard strumming of some bar chords. It was a different sort of rhythm than I had been using at that point in time, and it felt like my hand was being pulled down the fret board by a tide escaping back out to sea. In this instance, the vibration of strings was coming up from somewhere below my belly button through the exhale of sound that was my voice and then the first line came through — “I know I can bend.”
It’s a subtle moment, when I can feel that a song is arising. It usually just takes that first presient string of words to unlocked the rest of the lyrics. However, it can still take a while for the song to fully come to the surface. I have a bunch of songs that I can’t give up on because there is still something not yet revealed that I keep hoping to find.
On instagram I posted an early version of this song that you can see below. I hadn’t fully developed it yet ( I was calling it ‘my retreat”). It’s so raw because that is the place I tend to arrive from. It’s in that raw place that my fear of judgment has to take a back seat. This has been my work lately;I challenge myself and allow that rawness (vulnerability) to be seen.
The ocean has played a big part in many of the songs and poetry I’ve written and also has been a theme in my visual art.
I grew up by the ocean in a small town north of L.A. in California. Growing up in a beach town, the ocean was a symbol of leisure and recreation. However, for me, the ocean represented the unknown and a powerfulness that kept me in awe of her magnificence. I tried my hand at water sports such as surfing, sailing, even outrigger canoeing, but as I grew older, my weariness and fear of that unknown was overbearing and I began to fear the water, even though I worshiped her power & beauty. I remember clearly the first time I had a panic attack in the water. I was probably eleven or twelve and I was doing a swim test for my sailing camp from a buoy to the beach near the harbor. All I had to do was swim to shore. I remember the water was clear enough that I could see the seaweed waving up at me and small fish swimming about and large shadows that engulfed my imagination. All of the sudden I felt completely vulnerable with my feet dangling and my body weightless; I was helpless. In retrospect, this feeling stemmed from getting older and gaining a growing awareness of the increasing dysfunction and instability in my home life.
Betwixt & Between is about fear and anxiety- and of all the ways that life can seem to come at you and all the ways you can make up stories of what is actually happening to you. But this is actually a very hopeful song. It’s a song where I am reflecting on my fears of the unknown and coming to terms with the fact that all-in-all, I have persevered. Even through the trials and traumas that I have endured, I am still here learning to bend and find flexibility in my perceptions and understanding of what a life is and how it can be lived. Learning to see through an alternate lens that the things I had been most afraid of in my past didn’t have the power to permanently hold me down, and they still haven’t kept me down. I keep coming back up for air over-and-over-and-over again.
Shadows can cover, the tides can pull, the waves can crash and the weeds can tangle me; but I am still here, persisting and fully alive.
There is tremendous benefit in leaning into the dark, scary and unknown places of the mind. However, it is not an intuitive place and without the right foundation of support, it can be dangerous.
“And when I am low I dig under below to reach for what feels like it’s pulling. And with my hands bare, instead of a scare— I find pieces of parts that I’m missing.”
Depression is the shadow, deep water, and tangle of weeds that I’ve had to accept as a part of my life. Betwixt & Between is an anthem to myself for not looking away or trying to drown away my painful experiences in this life.
I try to surrender to my darknesses. And there is a relief in the solitude of aloneness— even at the rocky bottom in a moment of despair, there can be a release; a reprieve.
Accepting aloneness, is a metaphor. To allow yourself to go down below, to see what lies under the heaviness of the stories we create to make sense of our lives—is the bravest thing you can do. But also a huge risk—not everyone around you will have the ability to be a support for you during your decent and might not be able to be waiting for you on the beach when you finally come out of the depths. Because of this, it becomes a solo journey to embark upon no matter what. It’s only you that can hold yourself down or let yourself take a dive.
At the very end of this song (yeah…you gotta listen to the end)! I decided to narrate a line from Richard Bach’s epic tale of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, which is a metaphorical story of a gull who is driven to search for more to his existence than just following the rules of etiquette passed down through the ‘ breakfast flock'. As he struggles through existential questioning about life, purpose and flight - he is compelled to take the dive into self-discovery at the risk of loosing the support of those around him.
This book has been with me since middle school. Fun Fact: I had the images of his ‘dive’ tattooed onto my back when I was 22 years old. I have seemed to always relate deeply with Jonathan, especially in the many episodes of my life where I have felt isolated and misunderstood. Jonathan is a voice that reminds us that it’s only you who will know which directions you’ll need to fly towards and surrender to before you’ll be able to emerge back into the light.
Some of us have to make this journey over and over again in our lives no matter how much therapy we seek out, psych drugs or otherwise we try, people we find that are there to support us ‘no matter what’, or spirituality we find…
For me, I’m always betwixt & between my ability to be my own force of strength and inspiration for myself or I am dragged out to sea by the overwhelming gravity of reality that I perceive for better or worse.
This song is my personal reminder that…
…the waves never last and they’ve haven’t drowned me
Cuz I know they can’t hold me
Down for long.
All rights Reserved Copyright 2021 Nico Lund
Lyrics:
I know I can bend with the wind and the rain
And the shadows below me they all look the same
Cuz I know they can’t hold me
Ive been back and forth with the moon and the sea
And the waves never last and they’ve haven’t drowned me
Cuz I know they can’t hold me
Down for long
And When I was low I looked under the stones
To see what was creeping below me
and while I was there instead of a scare
I saw pieces of parts that were missing…
Down below Where I go
My Retreat
Don’t See Me
My Retreat
Un-see See Me
I know I can bend with the wind and the rain
And the shadows below me they all look the same
Cuz I know they can’t hold me
And I’ve taken my turns through the meadows and weeds
And I’m always betwixt and between what I need
I need Something to Hold me
Down, ground me, hold me down
Down, I’m wanting to be found
And When I am low I dig under below
To reach for what feels like it’s pulling
And with my hands bare, instead of a scare
I find pieces of parts that I’m missing
Down below
Where I go
My Repreive
You can’t see
Down below
My Retreat
You won’t See Me